OTTAWA – The Liberal government and Foreign Affairs Minister Stéphane Dion have appointed several new ambassadors this week, replacing Grimguts McGree, Black Hand Jones, and other controversial Conservative appointees.
“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the job that you’ve done Mr. Jones,” said a clearly sweating Dion, as Black Hand Jones sat across the table shaving his face with a bowie knife. “But the situation in Turkey is very sensitive right now.”
Reports indicate that approximately two dozen diplomatic positions are being shuffled or replaced, with many Conservative appointees being replaced due to inexperience, perceived bias, or connection to the Port Dover train robbery.
“Peter MacDougall is a highly experienced diplomat, and I can’t wait to see the work he does in Jordan,” said Justin Trudeau. “The soft touch will be very important after Ashmouth Tony’s stunt with King Abdullah’s favorite horse.”
Response from the Conservatives has been fierce, with interim leader Rona Ambrose rushing to the defence of former consul-general Scarnose and many other long-standing party loyalists.
“If Scarnose isn’t a suitable representative of Canada, I don’t know who possibly could be,” said Ambrose. “He may not be the most even-keeled, but goddamn if he can’t start a fire and hit a bird from 100 yards or more.”
Stephen Harper, who appointed many of these diplomats himself after searching every seedy hole from Blackhead, Newfoundland to East Sooke, BC, has also commented on the shuffle. “I wouldn’t have appointed any of these men and women if I hadn’t thought them qualified,” said Harper. “Frankly, I don’t know what we’re going to do without Knifehand Nancy in Israel.”
“What’s that?” added Harper, as an aide whispered something in his year. “Of course, my mistake. We turned Nancy in to [Mexican President] Enrique Peña Nieto to iron out relations. Frankly, I don’t know what we’re going to do without Dynamite Fingers in Israel.”
