MISSISSAUGA, ON – The Islamic State-affiliated news agency has released a bulletin claiming responsibility, after Saleem accidentally totaled Dave’s car on the way home from sushi last night.
“Islamic State fighters have successfully carried out an attack against Dave’s 2006 Honda Civic,” said the bulletin. “God’s curse be upon the nonbelievers. God’s curse be upon Dave.”
Although ISIS claims the Mississauga-born actuarial student and amateur DJ is a sleeper agent who has been under ‘deep, deep, deep, deep’ cover, some experts are suggesting this was a lone-wolf attack, and that Saleem acted on his own.
“I take complete responsibility dude, I am so, so, so, so, sorry,” said Saleem into the phone, minutes after being so into the Drake song ‘One Dance’ that he swerved and ran into a ginkgo tree by the side of Silver Creek Boulevard. “Bro, I swear, I’m going to pay for the repairs.”
Residents of the city say they are terrified and devastated that ISIS was able to strike so close to their homes.
“You never think it will happen where you live,” said Laura, 38, who lives on Saleem’s street. “He always seemed like such a nice young man.”
CSIS director Michel Coulombe has stepped down in the wake of the attack, claiming CSIS knew about Saleem’s reckless appreciation of Drake, yet failed to take the appropriate measures.
Since the incident, Dave has forgiven Saleem on the condition that he never ask to borrow the car again, and Saleem has been extradited by the RCMP to a CIA black site.
