MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium.
“Today’s consumer is trying to be more conscious about the amount of deadly radiation they consume on a day-to-day basis,” said Tim Hortons executive Larry Orff. “That’s why we’re proud to give our customers the option to choose both irradiated and semi-irradiated foodthings.”
While health experts say that regular consumption of ordinary menu items is ‘tantamount to a personal Nagasaki’, Tim Hortons maintains that options like the iced cap (radioactive) and red velvet cupcake (very radioactive) are ‘sometimes foods’, and that their customers are informed and intelligent enough not to eat them more than the Health Canada-recommended ‘zero’ times.
“Obviously it’s a bad idea to eat a lot of doughnuts, regardless of whether or not those doughnuts have the power to render a water source undrinkable for ten thousand years or more,” Orff said. “But sometimes you want a treat, and customers deserve the right to treat themselves to something sweet and slightly glowing now and again.”
Health experts have been cautious in their response to the health initiative.
“Obviously it’s wonderful that Tim Hortons is trying to reduce the amount of radium its customers are eating,” said Health Canada’s Rhonda Osmanoglu. “Our worry is that they’re just going to replace the radium by artificially adding an increased amount of arsenic and loose nails.”
While Orff conceded that this was the case, he pointed to several recent health studies saying the effects of arsenic and loose nails on the human body were negligible in comparison to massive, massive, appalling doses of radiation.
At press time, rival coffee chain Eddy Shack’s had exploited the new niche in the marketplace by offering a series of menu items containing even more radium, as well as fattening uranium and polonium.
