TORONTO – Responding to news that tickets to the Tragically Hip’s farewell tour had sold out within seconds, largely to scalpers, Ticketmaster President Jared Smith assured disappointed fans that purchasing marked-up tickets through scalpers “is what Gord would have wanted.”
“This final tour by beloved Canadian rock outfit the Tragically Hip is made all the more bittersweet by the unfortunate scarcity of tickets” explained Smith. “I for one can assure you that Mr. Downie’s most cherished wish was to play for his fans one final time, preferably after they were forced to purchase tickets at a 300 to 600% markup.”
“Let’s do it for Gord, you guys,” added Smith, wiping away a non-existent tear.
Offering suggestions as to where Hip fans could “honour Downie’s wishes” by paying exorbitant fees to attend their final tour, Smith offered several options. He cited Stubhub as an efficient place to get gouged, and also encouraged desperate fans not to overlook “good old fashioned creepy street scalpers.” Finally, Smith offered praise for the Ticketmaster-owned Ticketexchange, describing it as “an excellent place to overpay massively for tickets when you never had a choice to begin with.”
When asked whether the Ticketmaster website’s “Are You A Robot” protocols failed to keep out scalpers and ticket purchasing bots, Smith responded, “I guess it depends on your definition of the word ‘failed’?” Smith then responded to questions about whether Ticketmaster colluded with scalpers and Stubhub by asking, “Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
Still, the news was not all sombre, with the Ticketmaster president offering some positive news. “On the other hand, Ticketmaster International managed to sell out our entire inventory of tickets within a record 14 seconds,” Smith explained. “And if there’s one thing that I can assure you the Tragically Hip have always stood for, it’s maximizing corporate profits at the expense of their fans.”
Finally, asked whether Ticketmaster and scalpers were cynically exploiting fans’ outpouring of goodwill following Downie’s terminal cancer diagnosis, Smith paused before answering: “Who wants unsold Nickelback tickets?”
At press time, the Tragically Hip will be unable to attend any of their own concerts after scalpers purchased their backstage passes.
