TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto.
“Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to save money on her commute, as a stream of high-performance supercars tore past her at speeds exceeding 300 kilometers an hour. “Gaaaaaaaahh.”
While organizers of the event admit the Toronto bike lane is an inferior venue to Montreal’s Circuit Île Notre-Dame/Gilles Villeneuve, they say the change in location is worthwhile because ‘as motorists, we hate cyclists.’
“Oh, look at mister man on his bike, with his one pant leg rolled up so it doesn’t get caught in the chain,” muttered reigning champion Lewis Hamilton, screaming past an underemployed 23-year old in his Mercedes F1 W06 hybrid, statistically the most dominant car in the history of F1. “Nice helmet, asshole.”
Although the racers did 70 laps of the course, and spent large amounts of time in pit stops that were also located on the bike lane, no tickets were handed out.
At press time, every car in the race was moving at 4 miles per hour, as they were stuck behind a guy jogging in the bike lane.
