WOODSTOCK, ON – Local father Chuck Lowridge has announced that he will not be celebrating Father’s Day this year as he has already been given every possible necktie over the past thirty years.
“Me and my brother are pretty independent so every Father’s Day we’d each get him about five or six ties. Three years ago, on his sixtieth birthday, we each got him a package of 60 ties, too,” said Dennis, Chuck’s eldest son, “when it came time to run the numbers this year, we all realized that there were no more ties to get him. I guess we’re done then.”
Lowridge, the proud father of Dennis and three other boys, admitted that it is a bittersweet feeling to have reached the pinnacle of fatherhood and that he will miss interacting with his children, but that he understands that there is nothing left for him to achieve as a paternal figure. The Certificate of Completion from the National Institute of the Pater Familias has already been issued by the Grand Chief Poppa and sent along to Lowridge for his mantel.
“This is the houndstooth one they got me in ’06. That was a good year…. good haul that year….” Lowridge recalled wistfully, “They exhausted bow ties by Y2K and bolos by Harper’s third term. When they started getting me ascots last Christmas, the writing was on the wall.”
Lowridge joins an exclusive ranking of international fathers who have “won” parenthood and will be permitted to live out his years at the Great Fishing Hole in Wappassing, Minnesota with other victorious dads.
“I probably won’t bring the ties with me,” Lowridge confirmed, “I was a farm vehicle mechanic for 45 years so I never really wore ties. The patterns were awful nice though. My favourite was the green one.”
When asked what they’ll miss most about their father, the Lowridge boys unanimously answered how easy he was to shop for.
