NEW YORK – In the wake of a $140 million dollar judgement stemming from a lawsuit against former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, Gawker Media has been forced to file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection. This is upsetting news for the American public who will now have to wait four to five additional weeks before a news website sufficiently lowers its standards to a point where it is willing to publish photos of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s genitalia.
“When you think of the fact that we’re in an election year and Americans rely on up-to-date coverage of all the issues, the fact that we are being forced to shutter our doors is unbelievable,” stated Gawker Media founder Nick Denton. “This is especially true when you consider that we were almost certainly going to be the first ones to publish nude and grainy pictures of Donald Trump in a compromising position.”
Denton’s head slouched forward as if to highlight his despair and added “this is truly a national tragedy.”
“Certainly Gawker was on the cutting edge of genital-based storytelling,” Washington-based Media Analyst Alexis Hinds noted after Gawker’s announced bankruptcy, “but I am at least consoled by the fact that there is literally no way we are getting through this election cycle without seeing Donald Trump’s penis. For my money, I bet it’s pretty gross. But who knows? Maybe it’s got weird hair or is actually pretty cool. Regardless, this will be the news story of the century.”
Meanwhile, Donald Trump was unwilling to comment on a potential nude photo release but did punctuate a recent tirade against an allegedly Mexican debt collector by stating he’s got “big things on the horizon” that “America will be excited about” while pointing towards his groin.
