TORONTO – Canadians not following this year’s NBA playoffs now find themselves engulfed in a state of panic and confusion after waking up this morning to news of the advancing Raptors.
“WAIT, WHICH PART ARE THEY ADVANCING ON?!” screamed Kevin Fung of Kitchener while running in circles on his front lawn. “I NEED TO KNOW WHERE IT’S SAFE TO HIDE!”
Others, like Halifax’s Mavis Cotillard, where more rhetorical in their concerns.
“WHY ARE PEOPLE SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS?!” asked the hysterical mother of three while boarding up his doors and windows, tears streaming down her face. “DO THEY NOT REALIZE OUR FLESH IS LIKE CANDY TO THOSE THINGS?!”
News of the encroaching Cretaceous-era super predators has even sparked concern within the nation’s scientific community, with paleontologists at a loss to explain how the long-extinct creatures were brought back to life, how they’ve been able to survive in Canada’s inhospitable climate, and most importantly, how they were able to claim victory in what US media outlets describe as “a hard-fought battle against Indiana.”
“Clearly, we’re dealing some kind genetically modified, Jurassic Park-type situation,” speculated University of Waterloo’s Dr. Mavis Takashi. “Which means they’ve probably developed the ability to open doors, and communicate with each other non-verbally. Or maybe even verbally. I don’t know. Everything’s on the table at this point. The only thing we know for sure is that humanity is almost certainly doomed.”
Takashi added that the Raptors pose an even greater threat to society if rumors they now have their sights set on Miami prove to be true.
“The last thing a bunch of dangerous, leathery-skinned killers need,” she explained, “Is a bunch of Raptors invading their habitat and getting them all riled up.”
