OTTAWA – Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced he was bowing out of politics today in a sincere, and vigorously redacted, speech to the House of Commons.
“I hope that my tenure as [blank] gave Canadians more trust in the [blank] and will improve the lives of citizens for [blank] to come. As I leave politics, I look forward to spending more time with my beloved [blank],” said Harper, judiciously skipping the parts of his speech that he had blacked-out. “But before I do, I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my [blank].”
Harper regretted that he could not be more specific with his acknowledgements and reminiscences, insisting that the information was highly sensitive and needed to be kept from Canadians for their benefit.
“My time wasn’t all perfect. I admit that I made my share of mistakes,” said Harper. “There was the [blank], and the [blank], and of course the [blank], and who could forget the Fair-Elections [blank], and let’s not forget silencing all those federally funded [blanks], oh and also my bad relationship with [blank] Nations.”
Harper closed his speech by thanking the Canadian people for letting him spend so many years [blank]ing up the country.
