KINGSTON – After more than a decade in a vegetative state, 27-year-old Kingston man Alex Hinds opened his eyes last week much to the surprise of healthcare providers.
When asked what he planned to do now that he was awake, Hinds nodded enthusiastically towards an attractive young nurse, smiled and said, “I’m going to ask her waaaaaaaaassssssup?!” Hinds then continued, “Maybe, I’ll ask her to go see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. The first one was da bomb.”
Upon hearing of Hinds’ plans to approach the nurse, his childhood friends — who had arrived to speak to the press — frantically tried to dissuade him. However, each friend was rebuked by a frustrated Hinds who refused to take their advice and instead insisted that they, “Talk to the hand ‘cause the face ain’t listening.” Eventually, Hinds was deterred from asking the nurse out on a date, instead requesting that the young nurse fetch him a soda. When she arrived with the beverage Alex asked her, “What do you mean Barq’s has bite?” four times in a row with a large smile on his face. The nurse seemed both distraught and unamused.
Hinds’ parents, in stark contrast to the young nurse, were overjoyed to see their son speaking again for the first time in over a decade. His father said that they were excited to introduce Alex to all of the things that he had missed out on while unconscious. “We plan on buying Alex a computer and showing him Wikipedia immediately,” Alex’s father began to joke before being interrupted by his son joyfully shouting, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”
When his father asked him to calm down, Alex haughtily informed him that he was “being such a Ross.” Alex then pulled out a portable CD player that his parent’s had brought him and flipped through an album of CDs, eventually settling on Big Shiny Tunes Six. “Wheatus is gonna be huge!” Alex insisted to everyone present – many of whom assumed he was talking about a breakfast cereal.
When asked to describe what it felt like to be in a coma for so many years, Hinds succinctly replied, “Groovy, baby.” Pressed to describe his experience more fully, his countenance grew serious and he insisted that “the first rule of coma club is you don’t speak about coma club.” He then began to laugh heartily and asked everyone around him if they understood the Fight Club reference.
Unfortunately, the young nurse who Hinds had been so excited to speak to earlier indicated quite frankly that she had no idea what he was talking about. Hinds was clearly distraught by this and asked that the nurse leave the room. As she was leaving, he softly whispered, “You are the weakest link, goodbye,” before putting on his headphones, turning up the volume on his CD player, and singing along to Limp Bizkit’s “My Way”.
