OTTAWA- Following reports of rowdiness and alcohol consumption at last year’s event, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has volunteered to chaperone the White House State Dinner.
“Listen, I know that a lot of these major political leaders and dignitaries are at an age where their hormones are doing most of the thinking,” said Trudeau. “So there have to be some ground rules if everyone is going to have a safe and fun time.”
Trudeau’s role as chaperone comes as a bit of a surprise to Canadians who had expected the Prime Minister to use this dinner as an opportunity to strengthen US-Canadian relationships. Trudeau believes he can do both.
“I think a man like President Obama will respect someone who’s willing to play the bad guy,” said Trudeau, pointing to himself. “Somebody has to do it. By the way, there will be no straddling legs, no bending over, and no hands anywhere but the waist or shoulders. Think of it like church and state. It’s fine if you attend together, but there needs to be some separation.”
Trudeau then excused himself to confiscate a champagne flute from Bernie Sanders.
President Obama was hesitant to clarify Trudeau’s role: “In respect to my allied head of state, I am refraining from, uh… commenting on his uh…. chaperoning one of the nation’s most prestigious and definitely grown-up political events.”
Despite Obama’s reticence, Democratic senator Elizabeth Warren challenged Trudeau’s chaperone candidacy. “Um… he knows we’re adults, right? I mean… like… someone told him…?”
Trudeau responded to critics, by assuring them that even though rules need to be enforced, he promises to bring a great playlist made from radio edits of popular hip hop songs.
As of 12:36pm, Trudeau’s rules included no fighting, no unapproved guests, and no seventh graders. There will be no dress restrictions for female attendees “since it’s 2016.”
Celebrity guest Rachel McAdams shrugged off the announcement, stating that Trudeau’s stance on pot means he’d probably be chill with everyone doing a little MJ, “y’know, as long he ‘doesn’t see it.’ ”
