MOSUL, IRAQ – ISIS has announced plans to cancel its order of 20 Bombardier Innovia APM Light Rail cars amid repeated setbacks and disappointments.
“To be quite honest, we are very upset” said Mohamed Al-Tikriti head of ISIS’ Urban Transportation dept. “Bombardier made it very clear from the get-go that they really needed this contract. So we thought ‘ok, why not? They seem nice enough’. We really should have googled them.”
A visibly perturbed Al-Tikriti continued.
“The cars arrived over 200 days late, reeking of urine, and strewn with newspaper and cigarette butts. There were even Bombardier employees ‘sleeping one off’ in the back of some of the cars. We were beyond shocked. We are ISIS, not the City of Edmonton.”
“How are we supposed to install our machine guns and RPGs on these things when the doors keep falling off?”
While some insiders say that this latest incident is just a temporary setback for the increasingly unreliable manufacturing giant, the logistical difficulties encountered by Al-Tikriti seem to expose a glaring hole in Bombardier’s capabilities.
“The Woman I spoke to had told me that the delivery was late because ‘Gary’ had first sent it to the Taliban in Kandahar. Then, to Al-Shabab in Mogadishu. And then finally to ISIS here in Mosul. Then Bombardier actually billed us for all the additional freight. I asked why ‘Gary’ had sent it to the others in the first place and she said he thought we were all the same guys. That’s just blatantly racist.”
Bombardier Spokeswoman Marianella De La Barrera insisted that race had nothing to do with anything. “Look. Building and delivering stuff is complicated” she shrugged, leaning back in her chair. “Do you know hard it is to figure out how to ship 20 rail cars across the ocean? It is VERY hard.”
De La Barrerra then paused to remove a paper airplane that had landed in her hair.
“Then Gary goes and sends the delivery to Angola or Afghanistan or wherever. If I have to apologize for all of our fuck-ups, we will be here until the TTC streetcar order is fulfilled. I don’t have that kind of time. No one does.”
At press time Bombardier had requested an emergency loan from the Canadian government to cover the costs of losing the order from the Islamic State.
