SASKATOON – A new study out of the University of Saskatchewan shows that men exposed to billboard advertisements slowly begin to assume that all women are blonde, thin, and gigantic.
“In retrospect we shouldn’t have been surprised. Advertisers have always tried to associate their products with impossibly attractive women,” said lead researcher Dr. Lydia Towns. “When it comes down to it, being taller than a house is about as attainable as having Barbie-doll measurements without severely harming yourself.”
In the wake of the study, activist groups have been quick to criticize these advertisements for setting a dangerous standard of beauty. They point out that many gargantuan women are in the high-risk group for many medical issues including fallen arches, very massive coronary, and coordinated military assault. Unfortunately, it seems these concerns are falling on deaf ears.
“I used to like women the way I liked my coffee: normal-sized,” said local man Michael Conroy. “But then those billboard ads showed me the error of my ways. Now whenever I see a woman who isn’t towering over the cityscape, terrifying the populace, I’m just like, ‘meh’.”
However, some say that studies of this nature are making a tanned, curvaceous mountain out of a molehill. Critics argue that billboards, and advertising in general, don’t have nearly the impact that academics would have Canadians believe.
“Advertising doesn’t work on me. My whole life I’ve been attracted to women with soft blonde hair, blue eyes, and a shapely 40 tonne body. What can I say, I’m a red-blooded male,” explained local man Jerry Coren. “Some guys have strange tastes, but not me. I’m not one of those weirdos who likes 60 tonne women.”
Some companies have embraced the change in taste, leading to the release of new products such as Dolce and Gabbana’s 2016 line of fashionable stilts, Dior’s “Yard-Long Lashes” mascara, and Lady Speedstick’s “Mountain-ness Fresh” deodorant.
