OTTAWA – In a dark, shadowy bunker deep beneath Parliament Hill, an assembled group of Canada’s top politicians, businesspeople, and spymasters known as the True North Society have expressed cryptic satisfaction at Ted Cruz’s recent win at the Iowa caucuses.
“Good…good,” muttered one anonymous delegate as cigar smoke billowed around his head, “all the pieces are falling into place.”
Cruz, a naturally born Canadian running as a prospective Republican nominee for U.S. President, surprised many observers by claiming the first formal electoral battleground victory in Iowa. Rumours of black-suited men bearing maple-leaf insignias abducting electors in certain key precincts are, so far, unsubstantiated.
“I have no comment on Mr. Cruz’s recent victory or any alleged ties he has to our organization,” a representative of the mysterious group stated to assembled reporters as he used a wooden stick to move a small figurine of Cruz from Iowa to New Hampshire on a large table-mounted world map. “No comment at all.”
Cruz himself has repeatedly insisted that his Canadian heritage is meaningless and that his true loyalty is to the United States of America. As a sign of good faith, Cruz publically renounced his Canadian citizenship in 2014. That decision was made soon after photos of Cruz leaving the True North Society’s rumored “Indoctrination Hall” in Montreal were captured and published. Fringe members of the U.S. population who continue to allege that Cruz’s candidacy remains invalid have so far been met with derision and sudden disappearances of family members.
“We have nothing but respect and admiration for Ted Cruz, long may he reign,” the secret society’s formal spokesperson stated, “We believe he has done an expert job at convincing the American people that he is truly one of them and that his allegiance lies with their interests and not those of any foreign puppet-master organization subtly pulling strings behind the scenes.”
A recent communique sent anonymously to the media bearing the seal of the disavowed organization has caused controversy, reading only: “TC’s handlers think he is ready. Activate the Bobcaygeon Candidate on Super Tuesday.” Similarly, a leaked training video showing American-looking men in their 40s undergoing rigorous debate drills and forced viewings of the CBC as scientists administer eye drops has caused a total media blackout at CSIS. Both have been dismissed by the federal government as “utter nonsense” amid assurances that the creator of the “hoaxes” will be dealt with.
“The spider-web has been pulled taut,” said a nondescript bunker occupant bearing a Bombardier logo on his suit lapel. “Soon the red and white will spread.”
Media questions to the organization’s Mexican counterpart, La Conspiración de Trump, have so far gone unanswered.
