BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets.
“This is simply disastrous,” said Costa, whose four shares under the NASDAQ have lost approximately $96 in value today. “Dr. Pepper was supposed to be a hot stock this season.”
Costa discovered the downturn when he made his daily round of business news, which is to say, when he asked his son John to read him the financial numbers on the Globe and Mail website.
“Yup, dad asks for the numbers on the TSX, NASDAQ, and Dow Jones every day,” said John, 12. “He’s always absolutely floored by the news, no matter what. Last month I told him his stocks were up $15, and he kissed my mother like he hasn’t in years.”
Without having been asked to, Costa has publicly gone on record saying that he has nobody to blame but himself for the ‘tremendous loss.’
“I shouldn’t have sat on it,” said Costa. “We were 50 in the black and I got greedy. I never should have watched The Big Short.”
Costa has now spent the last ten minutes planning finances for the coming months, looking at cheaper cable packages and reconsidering the family’s February trip to Florida. He also plans to sit down with John and give him ‘The Talk’ about the challenges of investing in today’s economy.
“We’re all going to have to tighten our belts a bit,” said Costa. “I can tell you one thing, there won’t be any brand name products in this week’s groceries.”
“Especially not Dr. Pepper.”
As of press time, Costa has remained unable to remember his online investment portfolio password, and is hoping the portfolio was not erased the last time he cleared his history.
