OTTAWA – The auditor general has released a report finding that the cost of replacing the Canadian Forces’ aging Leopard tanks with 70 tonne, galactic Summoner OmniMechs has ballooned to $500 trillion more than originally estimated.
“Our main role as a middle power will be to support our allies in counter-insurgency operations,” said auditor Ferguson as he rubbed his temples in exasperation. “I don’t see how a 15 storey fusion powered robot that can go completely invisible will help us gather intelligence or take out individual terrorist operatives without massive cost overruns and civilian casualties. Also, is it really necessary that it be able to hide in the sun?”
Ferguson added that giving the exclusive contract for manufacture to Bombardier, who had never before attempted to make death machines on such a grand scale, was “completely devoid of accountability,” and that, even if the machines were made on time, there was only man qualified to operate the battlemechs: retired astronaut Chris Hadfield.
The long delayed procurement process was originally started during the tenure of John Diefenbaker in response to a Department of Defence white paper calling for a “heavy space-deployable armoured weapons platform that can crush an entire city underfoot and when used en masse bring entire planets to their knees.”
Opposition MPs are already using the report as ammunition against the Liberals.
“Canadians are tired of having their tax dollars wasted on expensive projects that neglect their basic functions,” said Conservative defence critic James Bezan. “They demand to know, why is the government throwing billions away on a defence platform that doesn’t even have a sword? Will the prime minister tell Canadians why it can’t have a sword?”
Despite the findings, Chief of Defence Staff General Jonathan Vance insisted that the project was necessary, and not just because the construction phase would keep Atlantic Canada employed for the next 50 years.
“When procuring military equipment you plan for the conflicts of tomorrow, not today,” said Vance. “We have to be ready to take on threats not just from ISIL, but potential future enemies such as Russia, China, and Clan Smoke Jaguar.”
