TORONTO – In a press conference yesterday, the Toronto Transit Commission announced that thanks to funds raised by recently announced fare hikes, the transit system would be launching a brand new, state-of-the-art service outage announcement system.
“We’re really very excited,” TTC spokesperson Brad Ross expained. “We’ve heard the complaints over the years, and we have been listening. Now, when we experience a service outage–which we will, several times per day–we can promise you that you will know about it.”
Ross went on to state that with the new system, messages relayed over subway speakers will be louder and clearer, a new @TTCOutages twitter account will run up-to-date at all times and several new employees will be hired to yell about unexpected track maintenance issues at major stops like St. George.
“It’s a new age,” beamed Ross. “We promise, we will reliably let you know about our horrendous service. You will always know why you aren’t able to use this transit system to actually go anywhere.”
When asked why none of the funding would go to improving service, Ross’ face did not appear to register having heard a question.
Customers were thrilled with the news. “This is amazing!” exclaimed U of T student Ross McLean, “I’ll be able to get great head starts on panicking about being late for my exam.”
“Oh, it’s wonderful,” added Alice Malvern, an 80-year old woman who’s used the TTC her entire life. “Now I’ll know not to get my hopes up that my streetcar won’t short turn, leaving me to trudge two kilometres on icy sidewalks, because I’ll know ahead of time just how and when I’m going to be fucked.”
The TTC plans to test the new system this weekend, though they acknowledge the testing will not be perfect, as every single vehicle on the TTC will be closed for routine maintenance.
