VICTORIA DE DURANGO, MEX. — Fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman ended his six-month run from the law this week, when he surrendered himself to Mexican authorities on condition that he never, ever have to spend even one more second in the company of actor Sean Penn.
“Lock me up. Put me in solitary. Do whatever. I don’t care,” he pleaded through a translator. “Just get me away from that insufferable piece of shit.”
Guzman agreed to sit down for an interview with Penn back in October, which the actor took as an invitation to be actual friends and “hang out” in the drug dealer’s jungle compound for the next several weeks. El Chapo described the experience as “more painful than any revenge I’ve exacted on any of my enemies, ever.”
“Let me put it to you this way,” he explained, “have you ever – at any point in your life – asked yourself, ‘Hey, I wonder what Sean Penn thinks about what’s going on in the Middle East?’ Fucking of course not! Because why would anyone in this entire world give so much as the tiniest shit pebble about what some greasy Hollywood millionaire thinks about a conflict that he’s completely isolated from in every conceivable way?”
“Now,” he continued, “imagine you telling him exactly that, right to his face, and he just disregards it and talks for twelve – I shit you not, twelve – hours about how he’d resolve a geopolitical clusterfuck that’s managed to elude the entire fucking UN Security Council for the past five years? Shoot me in the face.”
The former cartel king added that at one point, he even resorted to begging Penn to please go away forever, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
“He doesn’t care! He’s not even listening when you talk to him! He just stands there, squinting vacantly like an idiot until it’s his turn to make noises with his mouth again.”
Despite the fact that he now faces life in a U.S. prison populated by several of his most dangerous enemies, Guzman insisted that he feels much safer in his current predicament than he did in the company of “that dangerous, gun-toting psychopath”.
“You know he beats women, right? Google that shit. The little turd tied Madonna to a chair and beat her with a baseball bat. A baseball bat! That’s fucked up, man. And not just any Madonna. He beat up peak Madonna! Okay? Like a Prayer Madonna. The hottest of all the Madonnas. Fuck your face with a cactus forever, Sean Penn. I hate you so much.”
