TORONTO – Jason “Smooth J” Carruthers, DJ for “The Flex” on 98.1, has spent the weekend beefing up security measures in preparation for another week of non-stop Christmas music.
“In the second week we’ll usually get 3 or 4 individuals rampaging toward our studio, softly humming the tune to ‘Last Christmas’ as they attempt to disembowel me,” explained Carruthers. “I can deal with them. The problems really start in the third week.”
Serious violence caused by Christmas music commonly occurs around mid-December as radio stations, retail outlets, and elevators begin playing a steady stream of classic insanity-causing seasonal hits. For decades now, radio DJs especially have been forced to take precautions.
“The barricaded door is a last ditch defense,” said Carruthers. “Honestly, if they can get past the barbed tinsel fence, wreath landmines, and Christmas bees well… I’m already dead.”
Usually, the seething rage of the listener is directed toward whoever is playing the music but there are some exceptions. Carruthers says he once caused 38 spontaneous “rage-fights” after accidentally playing “Jingle Bell Rock” twice in a row.
“Gracie and The Bear on CHFI 99.6 used to play Christmas music 6 hours straight with no commercial interruptions,” said DJ Roxie. “I say ‘used to’ because last year a band of marauders managed to get past their external defenses. They skinned The Bear alive and covered his exposed flesh with snowman wrapping paper. It was a holly jolly tragedy. Gracie was never the same.”
Carruthers says he can only hope that the carnage this year is minor and that he’ll do his part by limiting the number of times he plays “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, “Santa Baby”, and, of course, “Little Drummer Boy”.
“I wish there was something, anything, I could do about this,” said Carruthers as he made a sign of the cross before putting on Springsteen’s cover of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. “But whoever heard of a radio station playing top 40 in December?”
“My gun… Well let me just say my gun only has one bullet in it.”
