COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – In a tragedy that no one could have predicted, the USA was rocked yesterday by a random mass-shooting for the 338th time this year.
“After the first one this year we were all shocked by how random it was,” said NRA head Wayne LaPierre. “But by the 100th one we were really shocked by the randomness. It’s like, how many more times can these random, unstoppable events happen before our luck turns?”
Some have wondered if we haven’t explored every possibility, that there could possibly be something linking these shootings that might help prevent future attacks.
“As far as we know, there’s no explanation,” said National Rifle Association statistician Lloyd Phillips. “I’ve tried correlating the shootings with everything you can imagine – dog ownership, the decline of “Frank” as a baby name, how awesome the US is – and I can’t find a single reason why these attacks keep happening. As terrifying as it is, I guess we just have to accept that they’re random.”
Adding to the horror and confusion is the realization that mass-shootings seem to only occur in America.
“That does seem crazy, doesn’t it?” said Phillips. “And I just can’t see- wait a second… We take in a lot of immigrants and refugees don’t we? Could there be something there?”
