TORONTO – Citing a new study from the World Health Organization linking red and processed meats to cancer, lifelong smoker Sofia Vial has vowed to never again eat bacon, ham, sausages, steak, or hamburgers, for health reasons.
“I’m sorry, but I draw the line at cancer,” explained Vial while lighting a new cigarette with the one she just finished. “For me to keep eating meat in light of these irrefutable, scientifically proven facts would be willfully ignorant at best, and at worst, outright suicidal.”
The 34 year-old Vial, who smoked her first cigarette at age 12, went on to note the environmental toll that industrial meat farming has taken on the planet before succumbing to an extended cough that lasted for a full seven minutes until she was able to expel a thick, viscous mass of phlegm her lungs had been producing for some reason.
“Great, my cigarette went out,” she added between labored breaths. “Do you have a light?”
A realist, Vial acknowledged that weaning herself off of something she’s enjoyed for so long won’t be easy, but insisted the stakes are simply too high.
“I’m going to have to change my life,” she exhaled through a billowing cloud of smoke, “But if the alternative is not having a life to change, I’d have to be a pretty stupid asshole not to at least try.”
