CALGARY – After determining that his party was unlikely to win, New Plutocratic Party supporter Harris Wilkes has decided to hold his nose and vote for Stephen Harper.
“Of course, I’d love to see an NPP government in my lifetime,” Wilkes said. “But this election is just too close for me to throw away my vote.”
Although Wilkes strongly believes in the NPP’s platform of worker’s wrongs, social injustice, and environmental desecration, he says he’ll settle for a Prime Minister who’s only ‘pretty good’ at these things, rather than risk even a minority government from a party of basic decency.
“I’m an ABABC voter now,” said Wilkes. “Anybody but anybody but Conservative.”
Despite uncertain polls, the NPP’s slender, beardless leader Thomas Nullcair has urged supporters to vote with their shrivelled, blackened hearts.
“The NPP is the only party to really care about income in-inequality,” said Nullcair, who’s earned the nickname ‘Not-so-angry Tom’, for his public outbursts of sadness.
“Stephen Harper only thinks about wealthy Canadians. We’re the only ones looking out for the truly, out-and-out, insanely, sapphire-plated, helicopter-owning, dolphin-eating wealthy.”
At press time, Wilkes had switched back to the NPP, after becoming disgusted with Stephen Harper’s refusal to allow Syrian refugees into his human factory farm.
