MADAWASKA-RESTIGOUCHE, N.B. – After having his riding ripped from his hands, his livelihood destroyed, and his power stolen, Bernard Valcourt, the outgoing Minister of Aboriginal Affairs, has finally learned something about what it is like to be Aboriginal.
“Jeez, that was rough,” said Valcourt of his 3rd place finish. “I never thought my life would be aggressively shattered by a group of people who don’t care about me or respect my beliefs.”
Valcourt, who was widely criticized for his lack of support for the Truth and Reconciliation Report, says that his absurdly large defeat brings to mind the horrendous centuries-long genocide white interlopers inflicted on Canada’s native population.
“I guess you just need to go through it to understand it,” explained Valcourt. “Maybe I should have had more empathy back when I was ostensibly repressing an entire minority.”
At press time, Valcourt was just glad no one had seized his backyard to exploit its natural resources.
