OTTAWA – After weeks of promising to ban the niqab from citizenship ceremonies, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has revealed that the face-covering garment could be more dangerous than originally thought, allowing the wearer to conceal some manner of small firearm operated by the mouth and tongue.
“Critics have been asking why banning the niqab would ever be good idea,” said Harper. “They say that it tramples on freedom of religion. They say that many women simply choose to wear niqab of their own free will. They say that if a woman is being forced to wear a niqab, denying her citizenship to a liberal democracy is a terrible way to support her. I admit that these are fair points.”
“But not one of you ever considered there could be a teeny-tiny gun hidden behind a niqab.”
Harper now argues that the niqab is the single largest national security threat to Canada. In a prepared speech, the PM said that women who refuse to remove their niqabs during citizenship ceremonies should be treated as if they have an itty-bitty revolver loaded and aimed at government officials.
“This is about safety,” said Harper. “It may not even be a gun. It could be a little grenade, or a scaled-down rocket launcher. Hell, it could even be an eensy-weensy knife or something I’m calling tongue-chucks. How should I know what these sickos are coming up with?”
At press time, Stephen Harper’s security detail had brutally beaten a man wearing a facemask who was just on his way to a nearby hospital.
