OTTAWA – All 1,792 candidates running for Canada’s next member of Parliament have announced their resignation after using Twitter and Facebook to express their views for the past ten years.
Candidates made their announcements from their Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts this morning.
“I thought social media was some sort of nameless public confession box,” a somber NDP candidate John Fenik said after announcing he was quitting over comments he made on rounding up the poor and shipping them off to Syria. “In hindsight, I shouldn’t have said those things about the Irish and I’m deeply sorry for the widow of Mother Theresa, if he exists.”
The mass departure of both current and aspiring MPs is being blamed for the belief that writing something on a glowing screen will not come back to hurt you.
“I thought the Internet was totally anonymous!” decried former Liberal candidate Janice Belair Rolland. “But then I realized that my Facebook account had my name on it. I’m really sorry for the crass jokes I made about that children’s bus tragedy.”
Even the most senior resigning Parliamentarians claimed ignorance about the implications of comments they made years ago and last night.
“I regret making inflammatory statements towards every group of people,” explained Conservative Stephen Harper with regards to comments he made on Twitter. “And I mean everyone, including my wife, children, Muslims, the LGBT community, women, people with disabilities, Aboriginals, Jews, Christians, atheists, and people who live in Melville, Saskatchewan.”
