MONTREAL, QC — A man is in serious condition following a beating at a Montreal pub. The victim, Simon Duncan, was attacked by a group of patrons after openly announcing that he “is ready for Winter”.
A witness of the event, Mr. Jean-Albert Fontaine, was not at all surprised that Duncan was assaulted. “He started talking about how excited he was to hear Christmas music everywhere and how he misses curling up with a ‘good book’ near a roaring fireplace,” claims Fontaine. “The man is clearly a monster.”
With the warm late summer weather carrying into September, members of the angry mob are legally looking to claim the beating as an act of self-defence. “We only have so many months where we get to enjoy seeing good-looking people in revealing clothing and feeling the warm sun on our faces on our day off,” cried one member. “We had to retaliate.”
When asked to comment, Duncan stated that he was looking forward to Winter because of “hot cocoa, cool weather and because tax season is right around the corner.”
