BATH, ON – Corrections officials say former Conservative MP and ethics spokesperson Dean Del Mastro has spent his current prison sentence bribing prisoners to vote Conservative with cigarettes.
Guards at the maximum security Millhaven Correctional Facility first became suspicious when Del Mastro was sent to the prison infirmary after almost collapsing due to what was determined to be abdominal pain.
“He was writhing on the ground clutching his stomach, ” said prison doctor Colin McCready. “But when I tried to ask him what might be causing the pain, he just kept screaming ‘I ain’t no fuckin’ rat! Justin Trudeau, he’s just not ready! ‘”
Upon a medical examination of Del Mastro, authorities found that he was hiding a carton of cigarettes up his rectum, a smuggling technique commonly know in prisons as casing.
Warden Kevin Snedden said it didn’t take long for questioning of other prisoners to reveal what was going on.
“Yeah he offered me three darts if I voted for the Tories,” said fellow inmate ‘Big’ Don Nickleson. “I turned him down at first – largely ‘cause most of us are in here due to those mandatory minimum sentences they brought in. But if Deaner can keep smuggling in these natives, I’m a little more inclined to lend him my support.”
“Warden came by and asked us all what was going on. We didn’t say nothin’, because I knew [Del Mastro] gotta cut us in or we all gonna vote for Mulcair,” said Antoine ‘Ray Boy’ Ramone. “He think he can play us? We ain’t no high earnin’ suburban Ontario family.”
According to numerous sources, Del Mastro resorted to doling out cigarettes after he was almost ‘shanked’ for unknowingly holding a rally to court ethnic inmates’ votes on the Aryan Brotherhood’s corner of the yard.
Some prisoners wouldn’t accept the smokes. “This is clearly a bribe,” said inmate Bill ‘Brick’ Sumatkos. “Guess we’ll see whether the convicts here can see this measure for the blatant vote-buying it truly is. Besides, Jay Jay says he can get us each $5 at commissary if we go Liberal.”
