TORONTO – Disaster was narrowly avoided yesterday after a sinkhole opened up under the Pan Am stadium during track and field finals, a tragedy that could have been even worse had anybody been around.
“We got very, very lucky,” said fire marshal Paul Williams. “Can you imagine if this had happened in a populated area or a place where spectators had gathered to watch something interesting?”
Luckily, the athletes meant to be performing at the stadium had decided that there was no point in competing for a small audience of ironically interested Torontonians. At the time of the disaster, they were engaged in a drinking contest at a bar down the street.
“What’s the point? They barely managed to sell half the tickets to these events,” said Canadian star-sprinter Andre De Grasse, wearing a gold medal around his neck. “Oh, this? Turns out I’m also one of the fastest drinkers in the Americas.”
In addition to no humans being killed, early reports suggest that not a single animal was found in the wreckage. Experts believe that the wildlife managed to vacate the area before the stadium collapsed.
“They say animals have a sixth sense about these sort of things,” explained York University zoologist Dr. Amy Abbiati. “They must have left the arena as soon as they sensed that something horribly boring was about to happen.”
At press time, Canada was leading the pack at the Pan Am games, with over $600 million spent.
