EMERYVILLE, CA – A classic summer toy for children, the Slip ‘N Slide is getting a 21st-century makeover, with the new design featuring built-in chunks of stuff that hurts the human body.
“It used to be the case that you would have to find an area strewn with rocks or other sharp objects in order to properly enjoy the Slip ‘N Slide,” said Wham-O executive Bron Larsten. “But with this new version, you can set up anywhere and still get those bruises and abrasions you love so much.”
While some parents have complained that the hard, sharp and coarse patches on the new Slip ‘N Slide don’t compare to the real thing, Larsten says they’re scientifically identical to actual rocks and concrete.
“That’s because it’s actual rocks and concrete poking through the plastic,” Larsten said. “Anyone who doesn’t believe me can come down to the factory and take a blind slide test. Then, three weeks later, when all the scrapes and bruises have healed, they can come and try the other version. I personally guarantee that you won’t be able to tell which one has bashed up your body the most.”
“Both will have bashed up your body to a high and very equal degree.”
Parental concerns notwithstanding, kids seem to love the new Slip ‘N Slide, which has won gold medal at the ‘Underage Consumer’s Choice Awards’ this year, beating out the Pre-tangled Yo-Yo, Silly Putty That Comes Already Covered In Gross Bits Of Dirt And Lint, and the new Extra Hard Hackey Sack That The Company Tacitly Expects You To Whip At Your Friends.
This is the biggest innovation in Wham-O technology since the early ‘90s, when the company began to pre-infest your Slip ‘N Slide with earwigs, so that you no longer had to leave it in the garage overnight before using.
