WASHINGTON D.C. – A new study by the ACLU has determined that the United States of America imprisons more of its citizens on a per-capita basis than any state in the galaxy, including the remote penal colony located in the Gargalon sector.
“Sure planet 47-D56 is entirely devoted to imprisoning its population,” said lead researcher Jasmine Erikson “but once you factor in the guards, cooks and the janitorial staff hired to clean the thermonuclear sludge, their prison percentage is actually far lower than America’s.”
“Frankly the U.S. rate would have been even higher if they didn’t keep killing people while they arrested them,” she added.
“I don’t how how the United States can justify its actions frankly,” said 47-D56 planet leader, Commander Hardstrip in between laser whippings. “Their system is so clearly racist. Here, we treat every man, mutant, and parasitic alien life form exactly the same.”
Hardstrip was also quick to point out the fact that unlike many U.S. prisons, 47-D56 was a not-for-profit prison planet. “It’s not about money, it’s about stopping the next space revolts,” he said.
For their part U.S. officials said they did not accept the ACLU’s findings.
“These numbers are patently absurd. For one thing, they’re counting all Axalons as one prisoner, even though they’re a hive creature that divides into 5000 different entities,” said Justice Department Spokesperson Chris Kellner.
At press time the study had also concluded the systems with the lowest incarceration rates included Canada and the Aphrodite planet of Nebulon, where everybody is too busy fucking to commit crimes.
