HEAVEN – Citing easily damaged feelings, an ego that improperly inflates, and a tendency to dangerously explode for no reason, the All-Supreme Being has ordered a massive recall of white men due to safety concerns.
“This job is never 100%,” explained the Divine Creator. “Sometimes a few bad apples get through and, usually, it isn’t a big deal. This time, it seems like the issue is more systemic.”
God expressed fear that, while it’s true that most white men will never malfunction dangerously in public, many units were still damaging the Earth due to incorrect social calibration and misfiring empathy transistors.
“Listen, if it was just the patchy beards and tendency for sunburns then this wouldn’t be necessary,” said God. “But we somehow built in all this automatic privilege and oppression. It’s too dangerous to the other units on the road.”
The recall follows several high-profile shootings of black men and women in the US, rising wealth disparity between caucasian men and minority groups, and the mounting popularity of far-right, racist political parties such as UKIP and Golden Dawn.
“I thought we solved all of these issues back in prototype. Maybe someone in the factory fucked up,” muttered God, while peering under the chassis of an American-made white supremacist. “Look at all this racism and sexism. Geez, maybe I should have done this recall a few hundred years ago.”
At press time, God was also thinking of recalling most of the governments in the Middle East.
