WINDSOR – Following his convocation earlier this week, creative writing graduate Kyle Rapoport, 22, is using his refined expertise to pretend that there are jobs he could do.
“The market may be tough, but I imagine there are many positions available for my specific set of skills,” explained Rapaport. “Perhaps someone will invent an oil refiner that runs on pretty good ideas for poems. Maybe I’ll receive a $100,000 grant to wander around the city while ruminating on life and love just like the main character in my unfinished novel, Undiscovered County. It’s even possible that I could meet a venture capitalist looking to invest in observations about generational disconnect. Really, the potential is endless.”
Rapaport seemed unconcerned about his future prospects, explaining that while there were certainly very few real job opportunities the imaginary job market was currently wide open.
“Sure, maybe I’ll never be an editor at an arts magazine or a highly-paid screenwriter. It’s not such a loss when I could easily envision myself as, say, a gladiator-type warrior who enters dangerous competitions where the goal is to write the other person into submission,” said Rapaport. “Wow, can you believe I just came up with that! Pretty good, right?”
Many of Rapaport’s classmates have already begun fathoming careers in exciting pretend fields such as Grammar Management, Vowel Hunting, and Paragraph Installation Contractor. Some educators believe these career options merely show the uselessness of today’s post-secondary creative arts education. However, not all are pessimistic.
“We truly believe that anything is possible,” explained Dean of Students, Liam McIntosh. “I mean, if you had told me 20 years ago that we could soak kids for $25,000 while giving them almost nothing practical in return I would have laughed in your face.”
At press time, Earth was about to be attacked by a bloodthirsty alien race that could only be defeated by peer-editing.
