OTTAWA – His clothing torn, and covered in blood stains and dust, former party leader Gilles Duceppe barged into a Bloc Québécois caucus meeting yesterday at around 12:45 in the afternoon.
Witnesses report the thickly bearded Duceppe burst through the door of the conference room, screaming “Water! I need water!”
After guzzling down the entire pitcher at the centre of the table, the now-dripping separatist leader immediately launched into a tirade.
“I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” he began, describing in graphic detail being buried up to his neck by New Democrats, burning stacks of 2011 BQ platforms to keep him and the last remaining Bloc supporters warm, chasing down roving bands of federalists with a sawed-off shotgun, and how he and Pauline Marois survived the winter by constructing makeshift shelters with discarded election signs.
After a brief pause, looking over the assembled MPs with an intense, frightening stare; he took a profoundly shaken BQ leader Mario Beaulieu by the collar and screamed “Is this all that’s left? Good God man! What happened?”
“Not going to lie, I was scared,” said a discombobulated Beaulieu as he cleaned his glasses. “But he just let go of me, turned to the room and said ‘fear not, I have returned’.”
Duceppe then removed some of his tattered rags, and commanded party officials to run him a warm bath.
Sources inside the BQ report it is still unknown where exactly the former separatist leader came from, but say members were relieved at his arrival.
“Was it weird when he wolfed down a raw squirrel before the press conference?” said one party official. “Yeah. Yeah it was. But maybe that pioneer spirit is just what the party needs right now to get out of this mess.”
