WINNIPEG – Speaking from a national summit of the Canadian Tough Guy Lobby, spokesman Brick “Brick House” Hammers has announced a nationwide campaign aimed at reclaiming tattoos from Canada’s hipsters, baristas, and bicycle mechanics.
“There used to be a time when a full sleeve tattoo meant someone had done a bid in prison, or at the very least was a rugged longshoreman,” lamented Hammers at a post-summit press conference. “But nowadays it seems every 115-pound weakling with skinny jeans and an irregular haircut thinks they can get away with having an arm full of ink. Well we’re here to finally say ‘no more’!”
Speaking to reporters, Hammers detailed the long and documented monopoly tough guys have held on cool, intimidating tattoos. “These extensive tats were solely the province of bikers, sailors, particularly seedy construction workers, thugs, punks, hooligans, freaks, and the occasional maniac. But ultimate frisbee players – I think not.”
Hammers took questions from reporters on behalf of the Canadian Tough Guy Lobby (in partnership with the American Brotherhood of Guys You Don’t Want To Mess With). He outlined a 135% increase in the “Scrawny Wimp to Badass Tat” correlation over the past decade, with significant hotspots appearing in communities like Brooklyn, Portland, and Toronto.
“Our leading tough guy sociologists, Dr. Jake Piston and Prof. Buck Knuckles, predict that by 2018 we could see a cultural landscape where neck tattoos have become the norm in organic food co-ops across North America,” warned Hammers. “We cannot let that come to pass.”
Hammers and the Tough Guy Lobby have proposed a set of guidelines to Parliament Hill, intended to impose industry standards on which men are allowed to acquire “bitchin tattoos”. In order to qualify for a full sleeve tattoo men will be required to provide proof that they have accomplished at least three of the following:
- engaged in at least one bar brawl over the past 6 weeks
- driven a motorcycle (battery operated e-bikes do not qualify)
- played a game of poker with fellow tough guys in the back room of a seedy bar or similar establishment
- fought the law (the law having won is optional)
- murder
In the end, Hammers remained optimistic. “Hopefully, the puny momma’s boys of the country will understand how their act of cultural misappropriation hurts the tough guy community, and we can come to an understanding.”
“Or, you know, we could just beat them all up. That’s plan B.”
Reached for comment, the National Coalition of Skinny Tattooed Hipsters were too busy drinking organic microbrews or some other nonsense.
