TORONTO – New mother Megan Hill knows what she wants from her babies this mother’s day, and that’s the promise she will never have another baby ever again.
“When I got pregnant with our twins Violet and Marigold, I thought my husband had given me the greatest gift anyone could give!” said a harried Ms. Hill. “I was wrong – the best gift would have been some form of safe, reliable, long-term birth control.”
Hill, a 33 year-old law school grad, says that while cards and flowers are thoughtful they’re nowhere near as good as never having a baby again.
“They don’t tell you how thankless motherhood is!” She explained while wiping excrement off her babies’ tiny bottoms, “I used to be a corporate lawyer. And while my boss referred to me as ‘the one with the terrible bangs’, at least when she asked me to pull an all-nighter, the firm paid to get me pad thai.”
After a thoughtful pause to wipe tears from her eyes, Hill continued, “With motherhood, there’s no complimentary thai food. These babies just expect me to rock them all night for free!”
At press time, Ms. Hill’s husband promised to buy her an IUD on behalf of their daughters as long as she gets him a vasectomy for Father’s Day.
