TORONTO – As racial tensions rise, LGBTQ issues become mainstream, and women’s rights are attacked, local Caucasian male Robert Wiser finally feels he has been silent for long enough.
“I think it’s time we all stopped talking about sexism, racism, and homophobia as if they’re such big problems. Let’s talk some real sense,” explained Wiser, drawing from his vast knowledge of being white. “Some of these social justice types make me sick. While we argue about the gender pay gap and police brutality there are tiny little black children starving in Africa. How could anyone else think of literally a single other problem in the world while that’s happening?”
“I guess not everyone is as caring as I am.”
Despite his earnest desire to change the world for the better, Wiser says he often faces opposition to his perfectly logical viewpoints.
“People keep telling me I shouldn’t try to talk about the life experience of persons of colour because I’m white,” said Wiser. “But let me ask you this: isn’t white a colour? Therefore, I clearly must know exactly what it’s like to be black man in Baltimore.”
Wiser’s comments on various articles, Facebook posts, and YouTube videos are noteworthy for the knowing compassion he provides to the disenfranchised. As a white man, Wiser says he feels he understands what it’s like to be unfairly targeted by police, citing the one time he barely managed to talk himself out of a speeding ticket as an example.
“I don’t care how bad it gets out there: you should never break the law by rioting,” explains Wiser. “It’s not as if cops break the law when they kill black people. If it were against the law they’d go to jail for it.”
At press time, Wiser was asking everyone to calm down because he’s just asking questions.
