CALGARY – Canadian coffee chain Tim Horton’s attempt to duplicate Starbucks’ “RaceTogether” policy, where servers engage customers in frank discussions of racial politics, has resulted in 4083 fights, assaults, and all-out-melees within its first 24 hours.
“Tim Hortons has long prided itself on our straightforward, blue collar, ‘real Canadian’ branding” said Marc Caira, President and CEO of Tim Hortons. “We saw all the positive press Starbucks was getting for their campaign, and we thought, ‘We copied their lattes, why not this too?’ We were wrong. We were so, so wrong.”
Caira paused to stare ruefully out a nearby window. “The security camera footage from Thunder Bay will haunt my dreams. I can tell you that.”
Eyewitnesses report that, upon being given an open-ended invitation to share their views on race relations, Tim Hortons customers shared views that ranged from politically incorrect comments to outright diatribes, and in the case of one Labrador customer, a three-hour manifesto. This quickly escalated to thousands of heated physical altercations between Tim Hortons staff, customers, passers by, local police, and one convoy of nuns who had tragically pit-stopped during a road trip.
“You heard about that Conservative politician (Larry Miller, MP) on the radio the other day, saying women in niqabs should ‘stay where they came from?’” explained Caira. “Well picture that, except across 4590 Canadian locations.”
Throughout the day violence erupted at Tim Hortons locations across the country, spread across rural, urban, and suburban locations. Authorities report that while most fires have been extinguished, the scenes of dozens of race riots are still littered with timbits and spilled coffee.
In the end, Caira was hopeful. “We’ve cancelled the policy, so now Canadians can go back to the way things were before – pretending racism doesn’t exist and softly telling racist jokes in the privacy of our own homes.”
At press time, Harvey’s was seriously reconsidering their “have it your way” campaign on transgender identity.
