PORTLAND – In a new move to combat measles in North America, Doctors Without Borders (MSF) have started opening up vaccination clinics in the types of places where children without vaccines are most likely to be found”
At an impromptu press conference outside a Whole Foods, MSF worked Dr. Miles Rubenfeld looked relaxed when questioned on the latest outbreak: “This new strategy is a wonderful change of pace,” said Dr Rubenfeld, sipping a wheatgrass smoothie, “When combating Ebola in West Africa, we targeted the poorest neighbourhoods, as people lacking economic resources were most at risk. Fortunately, in this case, the people most at risk of measles are the children of white folk musicians who went to liberal arts colleges like Oberlin. It feels good to be back on the old campus again.”
When asked if he shall vaccinate his two children, Plum and Kale, now that a clinic has opened up inside his favourite greenhouse, Whole Foods shopper Brody McArthur responded: “Nah, man. We don’t need it! If the little dudes get sick, I’ve got this water-based potion that my homeopath says will work just fine!”
“They don’t need vaccines – they hardly ever catch diseases,” said McArthur’s partner, Sandra. “Their immune system is so strong thanks to the pre-natal herbal supplements I took while they were in the womb.”
Other locals were also skeptical about MSF’s presence in their community calling the vaccination campaign ‘corporate witchcraft.’
“You know, autism probably kills more kids than measles,” said Lydia Zhang about vaccinating her son Tate. “Maybe if other parents didn’t let so many toxins into the bloodstream of their kids, then they would be able to survive the measles I am indirectly giving them.”
At press time, science could not prove any vaccinated children had ever developed autism or cancer as a result of vaccines, but it was 100% sure they were less likely to die of measles.
