OAKVILLE, ON – Just hours after their parent company Burger King announced layoffs at Tim Hortons HQ, the coffee chain has announced a new, even meatier breakfast sandwich.
“DoubleMeat means just that,” said Tim Hortons representative Chandra Dekeresedy. “Twice the meat. Don’t ask us how we got all the extra meat, all that’s important is, we’re passing the meat-savings on to you, the customer.”
“You might say, we’ve been trimming the fat,” added Dekeresey.
“A ha ha ha ha ha, A ha ha ha ha ha.”
Critics of the company initially derided the DoubleMeat as yet another lackluster product calculated to make Tim Hortons viable outside of Canada, like the panini sandwich, pretzel bagel, or bacon ice-capp.
“It turns out, though, that the DoubleMeat is pretty good,” said food critic Rachelle Dubrovski. “Actually, it’s really good. I want another one. I need another one. I lust for the taste of the meat within.”
Company profits have exploded as the layoffs have increased, with customers wolfing down sandwich after glistening sandwich in their local Timmy’s, each one tantalised by the mystery of what meat is contained within.
“It tastes like pork, only better,” said local customer Jeremy Grote, while the restaurant Team Members looked on with sickened dismay or cold indifference. “The flavour reminds me of the barbecues I had with my Dad, growing up. He works for Tim Hortons, and we always used to get free coffees for our road trips up to the lake. I wonder why he hasn’t been answering his phone today. Hey, why am I crying?”
Despite the record new profits, Burger King has given no answer as to whether they will rehire the laid off employees.
“Obviously, we hate to have to give so many people the metaphorical axe,” said a grinning Burger King exec whose entire shirt was drenched in ketchup. “But on the other hand, would you like to try one of these sandwiches? They’re quite fresh, quite fresh.”
This is not the first time that Burger King has been a locus of human misery.
With files by Jacob Duarte Spiel
