Our handy voter’s guide is designed to avoid political ideology and help you make non-partisan choices based on who will benefit us most through advertising and sponsorship deals.
MAYOR SPOT
OLIVIA CHOW: Her progressive stance towards the homeless and her idea of bringing lunches to school children is great, but her pro-bike lane policies will hurt our sponsorship ties with Mike’s Bike Lane Removal business.
JOHN TORY: His support of the downtown jets-aviation society makes this candidate very attractive to our bottom line, however, concerns remain over exactly how beneficial he would be to us if he goes through with plans to consult an integrity commissioner regarding how to manage the conflict of interest from his various business holdings. If you’re listening, John, we still need the cash for that last time we paid lip service to the Toronto Airport Expansion organization and East End Brothers Garbage Removal family business.
DOUG FORD: Half of our printed materials, including business cards, stationery, and paper we use to craft origami are heavily discounted from the Ford family business. To be honest, everything is going digital these days, so we’re willing to lose these discounts so long as they help the Garbage Workers Union realize we have a lot of great package deals for sponsored posts and embedded media.
COUNCIL SPOTS
Here are a few we think are strategically important to our current revenue model.
WARD 7 York West
Giorgio Mammoliti: Mammoliti’s unfortunate police probes into his $80k fundraiser and campaign expenses has hampered, but not halted our ability to work with this candidate to help plan fundraisers and milk campaign funds.
WARD 13 Parkdale – High Park
The noble attempts from condo developers to make their way into this attractive, wealthy part of town has, for some reason, rallied most candidates against them. Perhaps they all need to recognize how boring the sky and trees start to look in the winter time, and how nice it would be to have them replaced by Project Condo Blue’s 23-storey tinted glass and faux-brick luxury living complex. We’re hoping real estate agent Nick Pavlov will understand the value that further development will bring to his sales record and our ability to promote his listings through a variety of quarter, half, and full page buyouts.
Also, we’d like to give a sponsored shout out to West End Doggy Treats for their high-quality, delicious, healthy canine nutrition options.
WARD 19 Trinity – Spadina
We can’t even begin to tell you how backwards and unfriendly Mike Layton’s anti-casino and anti-Walmart sentiments are to us in obtaining lucrative coupon-inserts, flyers, and advertorial deals. Don’t candidates realize the value that gambling and cheap products bring to a community and its local advertising mediums? George Sawision is our best bet since his tax reduction plan for local businesses should give us an in to convert those savings into purchases of our coupon advertising packages.
WARD 20 Trinity – Spadina
Joe Cressy: This young, progressive candidate has too much interest in preventing development and the flow of money that it would bring via condo advertisements and our partnership with Bill’s Cheap Discounted Glass and Building Cement.
Anshul Kapoor: The NoJetsTO founder is leading the fruitless fight against island airport expansion. Listen, Kapoor, you can only delay, not prevent, the inevitable conquering of our city to the largest corporations out there. If you want to match the advertising dollars and flight discounts we’ve received from our friends at YesJetsTO, then maybe we’ll listen to you instead.
WARD 31 Beaches – East York
Janet Davis: We have no problem with Davis’ efforts to rally for better child care options so long as they recognize the superior facilities of Developing Minds Academy and their house brand and patent pending line of children’s brain-boosting toys you can purchase online to help your son or daughter reach their full potential. Visit their website today for additional savings if you use code ELECTION2014THEBEAVERTON.
