TORONTO – Following the Toronto mayoral election, second place candidate Doug Ford has announced plans to return to his prior position as the preppy bully in the 1987 film Ski Dudes 2: Back to the Bunny Hill.
“It’s a shame that we came in second, but it’s also really refreshing to get back to the work I was meant to do,” said Ford following his concession speech. Ford will immediately return to his role as Chad Forrests, son of the wealthy land developer who wants to buy the Cool Pines ski lodge and make it a country club for snobs. Already decked out in a neon green polo shirt, aviator sunglasses, and an expensive ski jacket that you just know his daddy bought for him, Ford turned his attention to his future.
“First and foremost, my duties will include chasing tail and crushing nerds, both of which really play to my core strengths.” Ford also outlined plans to bring Lean Six Sigma principles to bear on the popular 80s teen sex romp, imposing a more businesslike approach on his posse of rich frat boy assholes.
Ford then took this moment, unprompted by any reporter’s questions, to clarify: “Nobody hassles my little brother.”
In the end, Ford was also wary. “The only problem I could see is if that queerball Danny doesn’t stay away from my girl, Shelly.” But Ford remained confident that the rowdy ski instructors couldn’t possibly embarrass him again like they did at last year’s Downhill Slope Madness Ski-Off.
“Those dorkmunchers? As if.”
The mayoral candidate who received 34% of the vote has also starred as a bully in Scooter Ranch, Mount Bushmore: The Revenge and Sloperats.
Asked whether he planned to continue working to help the city of Toronto, Ford laughed heartily before responding, “Later Turd-ronto”, and peeling out in his sick Trans Am.
