WASHINGTON, D.C. – The recent surge in civil unrest following the shooting of an unarmed black teenager by police in Ferguson, Missouri has U.S. lawmakers contemplating the decriminalization of blackness in all fifty states.
“We’re certainly considering all options,” confirms Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO). “By the same token, being black in America has been a crime since there was an America, so we’re not going to upend the entire justice system because of one little epidemic of unarmed children being murdered by the very law enforcement officials sworn to protect them.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) echoed Blunt’s sentiments, noting both the short and long-term repercussions of effectively legalizing blackness.
“Well for one thing, we’d have to start teaching our cops to appreciate things like context, empathy, and thinking for even a second,” he explains. “What’s next? Are we going to stop sending people to jail for being black? Because the Prison Industrial Complex literally depends on that for survival.”
Still, both Senators concede that there are benefits to decriminalizing blackness.
“For one thing, we could stop spending so much time and energy trying to impeach the President,” admits Cruz.
“Yeah,” adds Blunt, “Which would really free us up to… Shit, what do we do again?”
