NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report from controversial amusement park, Marineland, has revealed that almost all their aquatic animals are living in their own tears.
“Really, it’s just good business,” said Marineland owner John Holer. “When you have whales that cry as much as ours it would be silly to waste money on salt water for their tanks or on improving our facilities in any way.”
According to park officials, the animals, some of which have been sobbing ever since they arrived at Marineland, have shown no definite signs of discomfort over the new arrangements.
“Sure initially there was a bit more weeping and gnashing of teeth than usual,” said trainer Jill Henry. “But they adapted pretty quickly and within a few days they were back to their usual slow, endless swimming. Almost seemed like a death march, but we’re pretty sure that’s their normal behaviour in the wild.”
Some animal-rights activists have asked that the heads of Marineland at least consider the possibility that the tears are a response to physical or mental anguish but Holer has refused. Instead, the owner has fallen back on his years of experience successfully keeping oceanlife.
“Trust me, it’s quite natural. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘crying like a dolphin’?” asked Holer. “No? Well it’s very popular in my family. What about ‘hurting yourself just to feel anything, like a narwhal’?”
At press time, serious allegations of animal neglect had again been leveled at the park after a seal was found dead from self-clubbing.
