OTTAWA – RCMP officials announced this morning that suspended senator Mike Duffy will face 31 charges, namely accepting a $90,000 bribe from some guy, or woman, perhaps, who probably isn’t very important.
The 31 charges against Duffy include bribery, fraud, and breach of trust, implicating the senator and absolutely no other people living or dead. Duffy is scheduled to appear in court Sept. 16th, where he will have the run of the entire defendant’s bench to himself.
Speaking to reporters, Assistant RCMP Commissioner Gilles Michaud laid out the facts of the Duffy-and-no-one-else case. “We know for certain that Senator Duffy accepted a bribe of $90,000, and we feel like that’s a pretty good place to call it a day. Rather than investigating which person, or head of government perhaps, paid Duffy this bribe, we’d rather call this case closed, and go out on a high note.”
“Like Seinfeld”, he added.
When pressed further for details, Michaud adopted a more philosophical tack. “If a bribe falls in the woods and only Mike Duffy is only around to receive it, is it still a bribe? The answer is definitely yes, and that we should all stop asking questions about this.”
“The conduct described in the numerous charges against Mr. Duffy is disgraceful,” said Jason MacDonald, Director of Communications for Prime Minister Harper. He added, “We’re just glad the RCMP have conducted their investigation fairly, and conclusively,” before staring intently into a news camera, and tapping the side of his nose very deliberately.
At press time, RCMP were offering the alternate theory that Mike Duffy and the so-called “Nigel Wright” were actually the same person, “in some sort of Fight Club scenario.”
