OTTAWA – Constable Ian Sturgess of the Ottawa Police Department confirmed today that hockey star Claude Giroux does indeed have the softest hands in the NHL, after the Philadelphia Flyers center was arrested for repeatedly groping his buttocks.
“Oh my god,” raved Sturgess, “In nearly twenty years on the job, I have never, ever, experienced anything as supple, yet firm, as the myriad ass grabs I received at the impossibly luxuriant hands of Mr. Giroux. It was like a thousand tiny angels frolicking across Heaven’s last undiscovered clouds.”
Sturgess added that he would not be pressing charges, as incarcerating the Hearst, Ontario native would only deprive others from knowing his “intoxicatingly intoxicated touch.”
“Imagine the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man washed his hands in rich lavender, exfoliated and moisturized them for several hours after that, and then used them as an outlet for that unique brand of psycho-sexual antagonism that only comes from drinking forty to fifty rye and gingers. Who am I to take that from the world?”
While the incident was not enough to shift the die-hard Sens fan’s allegiances, Sturgess concedes that he now harbors a definite soft spot for Giroux’s Flyers.
“Two, actually. And they’ll probably never be squeezed that way ever again.”
