TORONTO – Human Resources Director Tom Biddlesworth is the latest driver to win the Honda Indy after he found himself late for an important meeting across town.
Using a series of last-minute daredevil moves, the 54-year-old father of three missed achieving the record time for the event by only 0.6 seconds in his grey 2011 Toyota Corolla as he struggled to make it to the office of Brad and Lowrie Associates.
“What the hell just happened?” said Biddlesworth as two bikini clad models hauled him out of his car and proceeded to spray bottles of champagne all over him. “How do I get to the Spadina exit?”
According to sources, Biddlesworth prepared for the race by waking up 45-minutes after his alarm went off, neglecting to shower, and then downing half a bowl of Cheerios before telling his wife he loved her while running half dressed to his vehicle.
Biddlesworth said he spent most of the race trying to turn off the racetrack, but couldn’t due to traffic. “That’s driving in Toronto for you,” he remarked, adding: “I knew I should have taken the GO train.”
“I have rarely, if ever, seen this level of preparation and focus,” said former Indy 500 champion Helio Castroneves about the champion who commutes from Burlington, Ontario to downtown five days a week. “I can tell right away that this is a man who spends even more time than most professionals behind the wheel.”
Canadian driver James Hinchcliffe, on the other hand, was not magnanimous about his fellow countryman’s victory, claiming the only reason Biddlesworth won was that other drivers were scared of passing someone with such a manic, psychotic look in his eyes.
At press time, a rerouted TTC bus had just won the Ontario Demolition Derby.
