QUEENSTON, UPPER CANADA – The prolonged American occupation of the Niagara Frontier ended last night after the majority of US troops withdrew thanks to the many sugar-rich, nutrient poor chocolates served to them by the loyal British Subject Laura Secord.
“I have no feeling in my right foot,” moaned a retreating and overweight Private Elazer Pendleton Gaines of the 21st US Infantry Regiment. “Curses be that wicked trollop and her Milk Chocolate Almond Swirls! Damn the British!”
US General Jacob Brown was also reportedly poisoned by the heroine after she used her sly wit to add walnuts into his Crinkle Cup knowing full well that the US Commander had a nut allergy.
At press time, British and American forces were engaged at Frost Mint Heights.
