TANZANIA – After poaching, despoiling and making pills out of the last living Black Rhinoceros in existence, local banker Dave Shen remains unable to maintain an erection.
“What a waste,” said Shen, flicking his unresponsive member. “Now how am I going to jerk off?”
Sources close to Shen say that the rhino, last of its majestic kind, and a female pregnant with twins of different gender, looked like it had a ‘pretty cruddy horn to begin with’.
“I told Dave that the horn might not be good enough,” said Shen’s friend Erik, who once read part of a Wikipedia article on traditional Asian medicine. “But we figured we should kill the last living rhinoceros anyway, just on the off chance that it gave him a semi.”
“The guy deserves it.”
While practitioners of traditional Asian medicine were quick to point out that there is no evidence that rhinoceros horn cures erectile dysfunction, they were also quick to point out that there was a strong superstitious basis for its use as a fever reducer.
“Rhinoceros horn has a powerful energy, or whatever,” said Hoang Binh, who sells poached horns to traditional medicine practitioners for an average of 250 thousand dollars each. “Sure, Tylenol will also cure a fever, but the extra magical boost that comes from murdering an animal on the brink of extinction can reduce the duration of your fever by as much as 20 or 30 minutes or something, maybe.”
Despite the setback, Shen continues to search for a ‘natural, traditional’ remedy for his erectile dysfunction, and has already cross-bowed a golden lion tamarin for its eyeballs, dynamited a humpback whale for its gallbladder, and used a sledgehammer on a Group of Seven painting so that he could eat some of the dust.
At press time, shortly after the white rhino had also gone extinct, Hoang Binh had discovered an ancient text saying that it was actually elephant tusks which were supposed to help with fevers.
