GLENVALE, B.C. — The community of Glenvale is breathing a sigh of relief as John McHammond has announced he is sure his testicles will remain in his jogging shorts this year.
“I love to run,” said McHammond. “But, some the shorts I wear are a little brief. So when I sit on a park bench, or take a long stride over a puddle, or if it is particularly warm outside, my genitals have the habit of dangling outside the netting.”
McHammond purchased his neon purple shorts in the 1970s, inspired by the shorts Wilt Chamberlain wore as an L.A. Laker.
Yet, resident of Glenvale, Amy Hale, 18, has had enough of McHammond’s unmentionables.
“I’ve seen his balls every year since I was three,” Hale said. “Long before sex-ed I was well acquainted with Mr. McHammond’s anatomy as it had been flapped around the park every summer. They look like wonton noodles stuffed in a bright pink balloon.”
McHammond’s daughter, Julie, has also had enough.
“The worst part,” she said gagging slightly, “is after the run when he rests on the couch. His testitcles just lounge on the side of his legs for nearly twenty minutes before he slinks them back in.”
At press time, McHammond was purchasing the same tight blue shorts Daniel Craig wore as James Bond.
