VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has found that throwing stones is one of the “last things” that people in glass houses should worry about doing.
“Our research has found that slightly over two thirds of all human behaviour is extremely embarrassing, and that people should probably live in buildings that are opaque enough to hide their shame,” said researcher Dave Yamagata.
Beyond more obvious problems facing the glass house lifestyle, such as being cooked to death by the sun like an ant underneath a magnifying glass, or crushed to death by the collapse of a building made out of materials much weaker than steel and concrete, the study found that glass houses allowed neighbours and passersby know who in the building was urinating, defecating, or “doing Christ knows what”, at any given time.
“Of course, everyone who isn’t dead inside sings and dances along naked to the Adele hit Rolling in the Deep when they’re in the privacy of their own homes,” Yamagata said. “But when people are able to film you doing it, your blackmail costs tend to go up.”
Researchers found that the list of things glass-house dwellers should not do included: fighting with your spouse, home births, eating something you just dropped on the floor, making prolonged eye-contact with anyone outside the house, pretending to do karate moves right after you get out of the shower and look all glisteny, anything to do with bodily functions, anything to do with clumsily pursuing your unrealistic dreams, and virtually everything else, as well.
“More or less, we found that throwing stones is actually one of the best things that a person who lives in a glass house can do,” Yamagata said. “Really, anything that might make you no longer be living in a glass house is good.”
At press time, a study from the University of Calgary confirmed that pots were not capable of calling kettles anything.
